Guest Post........What does UberGrumpy want for Christmas [not for children]

UberGrumpy posted a funny blog yesterday called Christmas Number Two. He apparently doesn't care for "treacley" Christmas music and in particular Mariah Carey. I could have read no further and known I loved this man. Sorry [I am lying] Mariah lovers I don't like anything out of her mouth. I did read further and he mentioned he had "penned a potential festive hit. Unfortunately it's too rude to publish on this family blog. Leave a comment or mail if you want the lyrics but I warn you, it's not pretty" 

Well that is all I needed to want to read it desperately and I left a comment as requested. He emailed me back giving me the title and asked if I still wanted to read it... I said I figure I'm old enough and I have penned a few naughty poems myself [they are posted if you care to look or just ask and I will send the link] I read it and about died laughing. I offered to post it for him as a guest blogger and he took me up on the offer. So from a proper Brit via this brash American.

OK! Here goes. It’s in the key of ‘A’. Sing along everybody:

I'm Having a Wank for Christmas

I’m having a wank for Christmas

A wank and a cup of tea

It won’t be hard, on my credit card

‘cause a wank’s completely free

Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters

Are ready and waiting for me

They won’t have you up in the courthouse

Or coughing up al-i-mo-ny

So, I’m having a wank for Christmas

I won’t even have to say please

I’ll tiptoe under the mistletoe

And give myself a squeeze

Oh Santa please forgive me

I haven’t been very good

But I can’t resist, a pull and a twist

Of a lovely morning wood

So, I’m having a wank for Christmas
I’m sticking to something safe

The only risk, is a sprain of the wrist,

And a thumb with a nasty chafe

by UberGrumpy

elf gif courtesy

mistletoe